rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
