he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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