you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
