Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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