hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
