I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
