I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wear drunk well.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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