thus making me awesome and them whores
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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