apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
