i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
