I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
