I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
