garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
