Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
