I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
