This is not my ceiling
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
