3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
