the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
