Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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