We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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