my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
