Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
