and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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