If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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