Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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