When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
