Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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