New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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