I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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