I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
