Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
