Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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