My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
