I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
