did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
