no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
