Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize