Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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