At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
should my penis look like a turkey
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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