i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
