So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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