Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
