Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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