I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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