I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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