Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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