Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
