I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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