did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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