dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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