can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
