New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
