I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize