I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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