It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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