he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
