if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
