all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize