Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
