worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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