he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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